★ 3/1/24---
★★ MOOD: wtf---❕
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: biscuit town // king krule ---

the only way to explain yesterday was literally a wtf day. the morning started out strong with a meltdown from my family and an hour long call from my mom. needless to say, that definitely kicked off the chain of bad events that trickled into the rest of the day. after that call i tried with every fiber in my being to study for my state board test but just ended up listening to a podacast with larry david and spooning my cat instead. after that i get a text asking if i could pick up my siblings from school because nobody could and of course i don't mind because the rest of my day had really nothing planned (maybe other than listen to more podcasts with my cat...). When we got back was the craziest part of the day by far...(tw blood) the entire house was covered in little pools of blood, bits on the cabinet and a trail leading under the table... my mind could only think the worst at first honestly... the cats in my moms house have been fighting and so immediately i thought one of them had seriously hurt the other one to the point of possibly killing each other. i just immediately went to go find my mom and once she came out, we ended up finding the source... one of my cats was completely missing about a fourth of his tail and it was dripping all over the floor. He was suprisingly calm and we immediately took him to the animal hospital. it turned out that it did indeed get ripped off...which means it could have been stuck in something or pulled off by another animal. regardless, the poor guy had to have another two fourths of his tail removed due to the broken pieces and now has a lttle tiny bit of a tail. i am really glad that my own cat is chill and just has bunnies, me , and toys to hang out with. he is -for the most part- very chill. obviously what happened to my moms cat could have been an accident but we will never even know. all of that bad luck only to find out that yesterday was leap year! a day that does not normally happen... was a bad luck day? or is my family just bad luck...☠ hehehe well we have the rest of the week to find out.

★ 2/27/24---
★★ MOOD: the eye of the storm---⛐
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: some unholy war // amy winehouse ---

well i think i predicted it. another storm of just having a really bad time. from reading my last entry, physically and mentally it always feels like a brewing tornado and that helps me to predict the big storm most of the time...and now it just feels like i'm still stuck in it, finding damage here and there, figuring out what is going on in my life. what is interesting about the last time i was here is i have now finished esthetician school and a lot of good and very bad life changes. alas, spring has sprung and i have a few more tricks up my sleeve because after all, i am not dead yet. i would like to keep learning more about html, maybe take photos again, maybe find a job that i enjoy, maybe start exercising outside again, maybe maybe maybe just really using this diary as the outlet it originally intended to be. today is my day off and my first goal is already accomplished which was make a new diary entry, so now i am going on a walk, might give myself a mini facial, and really contemplate what the next steps in my lobotomy may be...

★ 5/3/22---
★★ MOOD: calm before the storm---⛈
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: want 2 love u 2 // budgie ---

my strange addiction: mango sour strips ... i eat them a little too much... i'm eating some right now actually... idk what it is about these things and this is not an ad, but a confession. on one of my recent days off, i slept the entire day and only woke up to eat, one of the times only eating sour mango strips... but like the true libra that i am, i balance my obsession with working out most of the week. regardless of my candy addiction, i have been trying to eat somewhat healthier. phew i am tired. i've been letting myself water the weeds too much. thinking about stopping everything and calling it quits. i think i have like an ounce of hope left. its back pain mixed with brain pain now. like ah you know what, its good to just be done...

★ 4/21/22---
★★ MOOD: hopeless with a hint of hope---☘
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: scrambled inside // pinc louds ---

metaphorically i feel like i am drowning but can come up for air every once in a while. my mood lately has been very up and down because i am so tired. my favorite pass time is just doing nothing because it feels good to not have to use my energy right now. the times i feel best is being at home watching youtube videos or taking a walk to the park and just laying down, i just very rarely get to do these things. its 1am right now and i feel awake because i drank a yerba and have been watching random vids. youtube is so fun, its just a giant rabbit hole. i would honestly love to just be a youtuber and just vlog or some bimbo shit. i am so tired of using my brain hahahahaha ok trying to think about things that i am grateful for right now: cold water, my bunnies, umm i really like my nose right now? i used to hate her but now i think she is cute. music, walks to the park, wearing headphones and sunglasses everywhere i go, finding a piece of junk that i forgot about in my room, doing anything html related (really thinking about what else i should add to this website [other than the photo page that i have yet to finish]), i love bein' in love too... i have to constantly remind myself of these things so that it doesn't constantly feel like rain in my head. i know i'm not the only one that realizes that helping my brain is like an hourly task that i have to work on; the more tired i am, the harder it is to not let negativity cloud my head. oh yeah and i got another speeding ticket... my life's a movie. anyways goodnight, sign my guest book (!!) i s2g it reminds me of formspring. **which okay that just reminded me of my sophomore year of high school when i had one of those n some dude from my school sent really literal nasty stuff to me anonymously but then sent me a facebook message like "u down though?" omgggg so cringe. i said please dont talk to me ever again and deleted formspring. anyways send me some shit like that. ok bye.

★ 4/17/22---
★★ MOOD: pain---☣
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: a rose blooms in chaos // Davishmar ---

i need a change. i feel almost like a chicken with it's head cut off (a saying i dont use often?) i am just running in circles, trying to figure out what makes me tick, with very unpredictable mood swings constantly. i try most of the time to pinpoint the exact moments that make me derail and its always because of an outcome or opinion that i make up in my head, almost never based on reality. this is mostly why i dont go out lately or even want to spend time with anyone. i have constantly been in my head. i think about what conversations i may have, what negative conversations i may have, who i may see, etc... delusional. i have been very stressed with myself these past couple weeks because there are sooooooooooo many things that i want to do but i....physically..... cannot.....get....myself.....to start.... its not laziness (maybe it is?) because it feels like i literally have 300 bricks weighing me down. i want to be able to control my brain and not the other way around? i kinda feel like i have a little robot in my brain and i cannot control it. this entry is kinda scattered, oh well. my head hurts. like i said, i need change or just like i need to figure out why i don't like myself sometimes so much hahahhaha cause that is definitely what makes me stress over the things i do all the time...

★ 4/7/22---
★★ MOOD: fried---☀
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: pain // pinkPantheress---

i am in so much pain. this week i started swim lessons and usually i would just be helping coordinate them but this time i also have some classes of my own. they are fun but so, so exhausting. my back and neck are dead from kids jumping on me and kicking me. teaching swim lessons is crazy. work has been all i could focus on this week but its thursday and i finally put time aside to make an entry. Oliver and i started a new show called Servant? and we have also been watching another show called Severence. They are both really good. i recommend trying to watch them if you wanna watch some cool and creepy new shows. ooo just now in my music, Passage by Toshifumi Hinata just came on and it has a reprise of Reflections but with a really beautiful intro. it kind of inspired me to make a new video. i love piano so much. One thing that i am greatful for today in this warm weather is being able to sit on the couch with a tall glass of cold water in the cool breeze. that's enough for me...

★ 4/3/22---
★★ MOOD: AWAKE---
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: pikachu // yung lean---

making this website brings me so much joy. i truly get so excited adding new things. it's sunday and i have work tomorrow but it is the last thing on my mind right now. i have had such a good weekend since the moment i left work on friday. i got a new tattoo from my friend Kayla on friday before she moves to Vermont. i cleaned so much around the house and put away a lot of things that i could tell were cluttering my head. i have just been trying to practice what i talked about in my last entry, focusing on a few things at a time...whenever i start to feel rushed or like i am forgetting something... or just going too fast, heart beating quick....i imagine those feelings as actual black clouds or --some kind of dark slime-- that i literally have to wipe off or push away into the sky ~symbolically~ --it helps that negativity actually start to diminish. because of that practice i have felt really good. just workin on things a day at a time-- not looking too far into the future. well anyways, today i am going to write a letter to a friend in San Francisco with all this stationary i've had laying around my room. i want to send more letters so if you're reading this and you want a letter, send me your address and we can be pen pals! well, see ya..

★ 3/31/22---
★★ MOOD: head spinning---⛐
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: reflections // Toshifumi Hinata---

well just as i thought, as soon as i started work again, i am too tired when i get home to do anything else. My head feels like it weighs 300 pounds. What i have found helps the most is if i at least have a good morning. Then the middle 11 hours of my day is just dedicated to driving to work, having a forced one hour lunch, and driving home. After an 11 hour day dedicated to something that you really don't enjoy, it's just about enough to want to go home and sleep... My goal is to start doing just one thing a day, each day, that is dedicated to the things i enjoy doing. Which is fun, because it could be just something simple like make a diary entry on the website and boom, once its done, i feel great because that is all i planned for that day to accomplish. I've got a lot of things on my mind all the time; if i don't choose only a few things to focus on then it ends up feeling like too much and i just end up doing nothing at all. what is great about when you slow down, focus on one task and stop thinking about all other things you want/need to get done, the enjoyment of those few tasks also slows down. for example, i have found recently that i was living each week just looking forward to the weekend and it made the weeks go by way too fast and unfortunately my weekend too. i think it could feel like i am slowing down time if i take each day as it comes and stop wishing for an unexpected future. one last anecdote that i thought of the other day was that when i was about 11-years-old, i remember how i used to wish so bad to be 25 and had all these expectations for myself...now i'm 26 and time went so fast it feels like my wish came true and i skipped 15 years...

★ 3/24/22---
★★ MOOD: stressed, blessed, well-dressed---☯
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: vapor season // Bloodbath64---

well i'm still home and now a little more sick than yesterday. But since the morning, i've been taking muscinex and drinking a lot of water. Anything i can to actually get back to work. I hate saying it but it stresses me out worse to not be there when it comes to important things. It honestly just makes the work harder later. But enough of work, i'd rather focus on the good things about today. I cleaned a bit around the house--just small things--like vacuuming, dishes, cleaned the bunny litter boxes, a little laundry. the things that pile quickly are the most daunting ones. I have found that they have to just become habit in order to get done. and once they are done, what a good feeling of relief. Afterwards i went to the corner store to get an elctroLIT and some pretzels--i thought i only had 5 dollars in my car but it was actually a 20--that made my day. Then to make it even better, i got a call from my doctors office saying that someone brought my wallet there!!!!! i guess it had an appointment reminder in there... amazing. so yet again another day of...ignoring the bullshit? Once i start work again i know keeping up with this long thread of code won't be as easy..for now though, i'm having a great time. Signing off! maybe i'll work on those other pages... Talk to ya later!

★ 3/23/22---
★★ MOOD: mad ill---☠
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: shooting stars // Stark Reality---

I'm at home sick from work today. Usually in my head that is like "okay not bad...relax and get better" but i am currently in the middle of teaching a class at work and it gives me so much anxiety that i now have to postpone classes because somehow, somewhere i got sick. It's the thought of wasting my student's plans and goals that bothers me--the class was supossed to end on saturday--. And the amount of time alotted due to everything I have going on at work is even more added pressure. but to add onto all of this, i also lost my wallet... X-X ..i looked in every spot to the point where i just gave up and replaced my cards. So that is how my day has gone so far... On a positive note kinda, i made a new little preview video for my new video series "How To Spell LOVE".. and what makes me very happy about that is that i am going to try to post it on the new -not made yet- VIDEO section of my website. My newest challenge. i don't think it will be that bad though. Just another new thing to learn... learning and exploring the things that make me happy distracts me from the bullshit things like work and losing my damn wallet... Signing off this entry listening to some jazz music to chill. See ya

★ 3/22/22---
★★ MOOD: positive ions---⚡
★★★ SONG IN MY HEADPHONES: goes nowhere // Nosgov---

My first diary entry. Lately in life my brain has been going through a lot of changes and feeling very fuzzy. Most of the change at least, came from the mix of therapy and what I was learning in my neurology and psychology courses. What I learned about my brain is that it has been very injured throughout my early life. I was no longer an advocate for myself for a long time, to the point where I no longer believed in finding my own peace of mind. I have only recently learned how to set boundaries. I have only recently discovered my self worth. I know now that a big problem for me and the reason for a lot of my poor choices was a poor sense of self worth and i don't want to ever be there again. That's not to say I am the most positive person now... But I do know that the energy I give to myself and others is usually the energy that is going to be returned. And if it's not, then it's not worth my time or your time trying to figure it out...